Self-Protection or Self Sabotage?

When you live your life in constant fight or flight mode, it is exhausting.  You are constantly drained, you are constantly tired, and it is not the tired that sleep can fix.  Mentally, emotionally, you are drained, no matter how hard you try to get out of the cycle, you feel like a hamster running on a wheel, no beginning, no end, just a constant cycle of thoughts, thoughts, thoughts.

Me, like many out there, have been let down more times than we care to admit.  For me, I am always on my guard, I am always playing out scenarios in my head so that if any of them happen, I know how to respond.  I’ve been let down so many times that I’ve learnt that the only person that I can truly rely on, is myself.  I’ve become hyper-independent, I’ve become withdrawn from so many people and things, I’ve put myself in this bubble of protection, so that no matter what happens in my life, I know that I will be okay, because it is myself that I am counting on, it is myself that I am protecting, it is my thoughts and emotions and well-being that I am guarding. 

When did I get like this?  Why did I get like this?  How did I turn into the person that everybody leaves?  I am not a bad person; I will do anything and everything for the people that I love and care about.  I will do anything for anyone in need, whether I know you or you are a complete stranger on the street.  I smile at people when I walk past them, I am friendly to everyone I come across, so why is it, that eventually everyone always leaves?  Why is it that I have spent my life being a good person, working SO hard on myself, yet I still feel I get judged.  Why is it that my everything, me as a person, never feels like it is enough?

Scars from the past, no matter how hard you try to heal from them, they remain, engrained in you.  Every person that has left you, that has passed a comment about you, that has judged you, that has cheated on you, lied to you, broken your trust, it all leaves a scar.  Yes, the wound that was initially there is not so sore anymore, but the scar remains,  and damn do those scars haunt a person, follow a person, whisper thoughts into your head that you didn’t ask for.

So, my question is, why do we call it self-protection and when do we realise the truth, it’s NOT self-protection, it’s SELF SABOTAGE.

Don’t get me wrong, self-sabotage is not self-harming, well I guess it is, but not in the form of cutting, where for just a small moment, the pain of a cut on your arm, your leg, anywhere that can’t be seen, allows a moment of relief, you feel like that immense pain has an outlet and you can breathe for a second, the blood running down your body, feels like you are seeing the pain leave your body, but then the guilt and shame kick in, and the cycle continues.  Yes, I’m sure you’ve guessed it, I was once a person that self-harmed, a lot.  I don’t self-harm anymore, not in the physical sense, but I self-sabotage, and that is just as bad, if not worse.  I know there are a lot of you out there who do the same, and this is the time to step up and admit it to yourself, and to maybe start taking steps to heal, not  for everyone around you, but for YOU.

So today I am taking the BOLD step of making a list of the things that I feel I am sabotaging in my life, so that I can identify them, and not allow myself to let it happen, I need to allow myself the opportunity to trust, to learn, to take the step forward, and I hope in me doing so, it will give you the courage to do the same in your life

Here we go!!!

• I’ve entered a fitness challenge.  I can’t get started. I can win a car, that’s a pretty great incentive, so is toning my body and looking after myself, BUT, what if I don’t win the car, what if my best isn’t good enough and I don’t win the car, and then I will feel like a complete failure, and I will feel like people are judging me and I will be ashamed of myself.  In my mind, I’ve played through every scenario that I’ve given up before I’ve even begun, that’s not self-protection, that’s self-sabotage.  I need to identify it, push it to one side, do the challenge, and realise that the only prize worth winning is a healthier, toned, happier version of myself.
• I’m in a new relationship, the happiest and healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in, in my life.  I am with a man who makes me feel safe, who treats me like I’ve NEVER been treated before, he does thoughtful and caring things for me every day, he makes me feel valued every day, he makes me laugh and smile every day.  Yet here I sit, every day, waiting for the catch.  You know what they say, if it’s too good to be true………  I don’t want to think like that, I don’t want to feel like that, I don’t want to pull back to “protect” myself, I don’t want to keep on thinking that I need to safeguard myself.  I’ve taken a BIG step forward, I’ve identified it, I’ve identified what I always do, I’m not going to “run-away”, I’m not going to question where is the catch, I’m not going to ask myself when are they going to leave me, or cheat on me, or lie to me, because this amazing man, has given me NO reason to think any of those things.  I’m going to allow myself to be happy, because I deserve to be happy, we all do.  I am going to trust and put myself out there and build a life with this person.  I am not going to sabotage the most precious thing in my life right now.  And if any of those things do happen, I will still know that for a time, no matter the length, I was happy, I was loved, and I gave everything of myself.
• I consult for a company overseas, it pays the bills, but it is not what I know my calling is.  My calling is to help others; my calling is to change lives and save lives through my story.  My calling is to create a safe space for people who are battling, who feel alone, who need to know that there is someone out there that cares.  My calling is to be a motivational speaker, a writer, a counsellor.  I’ve identified that I have been self-sabotaging myself for a LONG time now, telling myself that I am not good enough, I am not smart enough, I am not pretty enough, maybe my story doesn’t matter, that there are so many people out there doing the same thing, so what makes me different.  I’ve identified it, and I’m not going to allow myself to talk to myself that way anymore.  I would never say the things I say to myself, to anybody else, NEVER, so why I am sabotaging myself and the gift and testimony that God has placed within me?  I am good enough, I am smart enough, I have empathy, I have strength, I have a story that gives others hope, and I am damn well going to make my life a life well lived, a life where I have changed lives and SAVED lives, and I am not going to listen to the voices in my head anymore.  And while I’m at it, I’m going to start writing my book too.

This is quite a long blog post today.  It is important that this message gets across.  Don’t think that you are self-protecting yourself, when the truth is, we are self-sabotaging ourselves.  What others say and think about us, it is none of our business, what we KNOW about ourselves and trust about ourselves, that is our business, and that is all that really matters.  You don’t’ need to prove yourself to ANYONE, the only person you need to prove yourself too, is yourself.

When you look at yourself in the mirror, are you your greatest cheerleader, or are you, your own worst enemy?

I am changing my narrative, I am going to be on my cheerleader, I’m done being my own worst enemy, because…….My Story Is Not Over, and neither is yours!!

From My Heart To Yours

Sherri-Lee