TWENTY TWENTY ME!

It’s been a long time since I did a blog post, there has been so much going on in my life, work wise, family wise, personally within myself, and I guess I have been doing a lot of soul searching.  I have been doing soul searching since about October last year, and it has been quite the rollercoaster ride, but it has been so needed, and for the first time maybe ever in my life, I am doing something that is LONG overdue….I am putting myself first……and that is where Twenty Twenty ME comes in.

It was quite a realisation that for my entire life, I have always put everyone else in front of myself, and I have placed myself in the back of the queue.  I got to really thinking about why I have always done this, and the answer was as clear as daylight, it is because I have never valued myself enough.  I have always wanted everyone to like me, always gone out of my way to make sure I do enough for others so that they won’t leave me, and the funny thing about people, is they will take and take, and leave you anyway.  I have had to really sit with my feelings of inadequacy and ask myself where the fear of abandonment comes from, what events in my life have led me to be on a path where I fear being abandoned, and quite a few events that have taken place in my life have been at the root of those feelings.  I have had to face the memories of those moments, and feel every raw emotion that comes with it, and then I have had to have the courage to release it, so that it no longer has a hold on me.

Some of you have heard me as a motivational speaker, you have heard my story.  It was a really big step for me at the beginning of last year, to own my story, and share it with so many people.  Taking that big step has been so incredibly rewarding, I have saved the lives of numerous people, people who felt so alone and helpless, yet found hope in my story and what I have overcome.  I have changed the lives of so many people and shaped the minds of teenagers and young adults, giving them a lifeline and a new perspective to where they are in life.  That is all I have prayed for, to save lives and change lives, that my story can be a beacon of hope for others.  The flip side of the coin that I was not prepared for however, is that every time I share my story, I relive what I have been through.  New memories surface, and they take me by surprise because they have been buried so deeply within myself, that it has been quite a journey dealing with those emotions and hurt like it happened just yesterday.  I guess that is how we grow and we heal.  Our minds are such powerful tools, they take traumatic events and bury it so deep down in order to protect us from that trauma, and when we are ready to heal, they slowly rise to the surface.  It has been rewarding, it has been insightful, it has been draining, but with every tear, with every bout of anxiety, with every panic attack, with every session with my psychologist, I have slowly started finding my way back to me, and I am so proud of the strong woman that I have stepped up to be, and I am so proud that I can face these events in my life head on and not let them control me anymore.

If you knew me a few years ago, I am not the same person that I was back then.  I am no longer that self-destructive person who filled the void with alcohol, which in turn only made my life worse.  Alcohol has been at the centre of every drama filled outburst that I have had, and that is why I made the decision to stop drinking, that is not the life I wish to lead, and that is not the person I want to be.  Have I lost people along the way because I am no longer the “party girl”? You better believe I have.  I don’t get invited to social gatherings, I don’t get included in a lot of things because I don’t drink anymore, even friendships have taken strain because that is no longer how I choose to spend my time, and I am completely fine with that.  My worth as a friend, as a person, is not sitting at the bottom of a bottle.  I don’t miss the hangovers, the anxiety of not remembering what I did the night before, I don’t miss any of it.  Do I have the occasional drink, of course I do, every now and then I will have a drink, but I don’t let it control my life, I don’t use it as my escape anymore, and my life is so much better for it.  I am human, so every now and then, yes I do like to go out, listen to live music and drink cocktails and just have fun, but those occasions are few and far between, and I am perfectly fine with that.

Towards the end of last year, I started looking at myself in the mirror and finding myself really not liking the person that was looking back at me, my image that is, not me as a person.  I suffer from body dysmorphia, so I will never see myself how I truly look, but when I looked in the mirror, I knew that what was looking back at me, was not a pretty picture and the seams of my clothing agreed wholeheartedly.  I made the decision right there and then to get my shit together!!!!! I have started on a healthy eating plan, and I can already see the difference and feel the benefits of giving my body proper nourishment.  My son and I are going to start working out together, and I have made a promise to myself that this year, I will reach my goal weight, the healthy way.  I will not starve myself this time, I will not base my worth on how others perceive me, because every time I do this, I self-sabotage and the whole toxic cycle begins again.  If it takes me 12 months or longer to reach my goal, then that is how long it will take me.  I have a great body coach who is walking this journey with me, and she celebrates each kilogram loss with me, but she also makes me realise that my worth is not what the scale shows, she makes me realise what a miraculous vessel my body is, and this time I completely agree, my body has never let me down, even though I have neglected it, abused it, over fed it and said the most awful things to it.  I am learning to love my body, curves, stretch marks, the whole package!!

So, this is what Twenty Twenty Me is all about.  It’s about learning to love myself for the first time, it’s about saying positive things to myself, it’s about appreciating and valuing myself for the first time, and not looking for that validation from other people, not from friends, family, men, anybody. It’s about me pulling the handbrake up on the self-sabotage, the hurtful words that I say to myself, the belief that I am not good enough because I am not married and I am therefore clearly not worthy of love.  I do believe that I will find genuine love, with a genuine person, and that person will stay because I value myself, and I am learning to love myself properly and through that, I can love someone else properly.

I am not forcing anything in my life this year, friendships, connections, people seeing my worth.  If it feels forced, I will distance myself from it and release it, because I have a path to follow, and not a single person or a single event is going to stop me from being me.  Never again.

I hope that you put yourself first this year, that when you look in the mirror, you say that this year is Twenty Twenty ME!!!!  It is not being selfish, I always thought that it was too, it is SO important for us to value ourselves, to put ourselves first, because you cannot pour from an empty cup.  Love yourself, value yourself, know that you are worthy of great things and that even though there might be days when you think otherwise, you really are enough!

I’ve just had my hair done, cut it for the first time in years, and you know what they say, when a woman cuts her hair, big changes are coming! I’m feeling amazing, my hair is looking amazing and I can look at myself in the mirror and say to myself, YOU ARE ENOUGH!!!!.

This year I am the captain of my own ship, and God is my compass, and I know that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.  My favourite bible verse if Jeremiah 29:11, and those are the words that I will carry with me, not just this year, but for the rest of my life.

I know for sure this year that my story is not over, and you know what, YOUR STORY IS NOT OVER either.

Sending you so much healing love, from my heart to yours!